Math

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots,"and pours two beers.

My last thoughts on the election

Back from China...

Peanut Butter Moment

A friend called me today.  She was in a store that was selling $14 peanut butter and wanted to know if I wanted her to buy it for me.

The slogan on the jar said, "We started with nuts. Then we went crazy!"

It's nice to have friends who know what you appreciate.

A modest proposal

Following the passage of California Proposition 8, which outlaws gay marriage, I am readying my own California voter proposition for 2012.

It is clear that we need to level the playing field, so that homosexuals have the same rights as heterosexuals.

It is equally clear that the California people have spoken: homosexuals should not be allowed to marry.

My solution? Outlaw marriage entirely. Not only would it make us all equal, life would be much more fun.

The election race I was watching

Take the high road

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated".

So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.

"When they're proofing signs, they should really use someone who speaks Welsh," said journalist Dylan Iorwerth.

Money vs. Time

From a recent interview with artist Damien Hirst, who just completed a price record setting auction of his works:

Q: Is it more important to give time or money?
A: I don't have enough time at the moment. I don't even do my own paintings.

Who will be the next president?

The Shoe Bomber Remembered

In the current issue of The Atlantic,  Jeffrey Goldberg writes about how easy it is to circumvent the TSA's security systems. You can read the article he wrote here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200811/airport-security

I wrote Mr. Goldberg the following letter.

                                                                                 * * * 

Dear Mr. Goldberg:

Up until today, my least favorite person on earth was the shoe bomber.  I hate him not because he attempted to smuggle a bomb in his shoes, but rather because I now have to take my shoes off at every airport checkpoint in the world.

Now, however, you are my least favorite person in the world.

It is obvious to anyone with a fourth grade education that the airport security system does not work.  It is there to make passengers feel better about flying.  Ultimately, anyone who wants to kill a lot of people can do it.  That's one of the problems and risks of living in a free society.  The good news is, the odds of any one of us being that person who dies at the hands of terrorists is pretty darn low.

As a result of the self-evident things which you have written in your article, I am sure that 300 bureaucrats at the TSA will go on special assignment to start trying to block these gaping security holes.  No matter what their efforts, there will be new gaping holes which they will not block.  But, every passenger who goes through airport security will now be subject to an even more irritating and unnecessary process. And it's all your fault.

Mr. Goldberg, I will rue your name every time I have to pass through the new "improved" airport security system.  As far as I'm concerned, you are just as bad as the shoe bomber.

On marriage...

"This financial crisis is worse than divorce.  I've lost half of my money and I still have my wife."

Accounting for Zero

"The left side of the balance sheet has nothing right and the right side of the balance sheet has nothing left. But they are equal to each other. So accounting-wise we are fine." 

-- AIG Vice Chairman Jacob Frenkel

Inflation

On Sept. 8, 99 Cents Only said it will raise prices for the first time ever, citing inflation. Prices will go to 99.99 cents, from 99 cents.

I love kids...

...but it's hard to finish a whole one.

My teeth are so clean....

...you could eat off of them.

The milk of human kindness

A Swiss restaurant plans on serving a menu where the stews and sauces will be made from at least 75 percent human milk. The owner found his milk donors by putting up ads offering about $5.40 for 14 oz. of milk. Swiss authorities are in a bind because the restaurant seems to have a found a legal loophole, and that's because no legislators ever imagined this situation. "One can cook really delicious things with it. However, it always needs to be mixed with a bit of whipped cream, in order to keep the consistency," says Hans Locher, owner of Storchen in the resort town of Winterthur.

Rapper Nas on Fried Chicken

"After you shower, you and your Gold Medal flour 
Then you rub your hot oil for 'bout a half an hour 
You in your hot tub, I'm looking at you, salivating 
Dry you off, I got your paper towel waiting

...

Don't know what part of you I love best / Your legs or your breasts..."

The phenomenology of M&M's

Edmund Husserl, the great Czech philosopher, once wrote a book called Ideen zu einer reinen Phänomenologie und phänomenologischen Philosophie. Erstes Buch: Allgemeine Einführung in die reine Phänomenologie (Loosely translated: "General Introduction to Phenomenology"). Published in 1913, the book predated the introduction of M&M's by 38 years. It is safe to say that Edmund Husserl never ate an M&M, although he was likely familiar with the broader generis of candy coated beans (Jordan Almonds apparently date back to the 17th century, according to Wikipedia).

When I tried M&M's Premiums, a new product from Mars, Incorporated, I was immediately reminded of Husserl's work.

I don't think anyone really understands Husserl's book, but it has something to do with the independence of the world of ideas and the physical world, and the independence of this world of ideas with, say, the logical world of mathematics. Central to Husserl's thought is the idea of an eidos, or essence. An eidos exists independently of an object or even a class of objects; for example the color red would be an eidos. This leads to questions such as whether these essences can exist independently of consciousness, or whether we have to think of them as essential objects of consciousness, because "red" exists to us as human beings but perhaps not to other creatures. But these questions are for another blog entry.

In the main, as I munched on this new M&M -- or more accurately this new object deemed to be an M&M by Mars, Incorporated -- I wondered, what exactly is the eidos of an M&M? According to the wikipedia, M&M's are "candy-coated pieces of chocolate with the letter "m" inscribed on them, produced by Mars, Incorporated."

Now, this new M&M in fact had no candy coated shell; it was actually strangely soft. It turns out that the chocolate coating is the "coating" on this bean. And the layer of chocolate around the almond was disturbingly thin--to the point where it was nearly undetectable.

I really don't know what the eidos of an M&M is--whether, for example, a candy coated shell is a necessary condition for M&M-ness--but it is safe to say that this new object is not an M&M.

And then just today, I ran into an oblong Oreo with fudge filling. "Perfect for dipping," the package says, as if a round cookie has been a lifelong annoyance to Oreo dippers around the world. At Oreo.com, the brand extensions span 10 pages. What is the eidos of an Oreo?

Haiku

Long words have ruined
The best lines of my haiku.
Sesquipedalian.

From the department of one liners

"Honey, you have more problems than a math book."

"It was so quiet, you could hear a name drop."